Bscott’s Neighborhood

i thought this was real at first.

Mackenzie
Mar 9, 2009
1 comment

pros and cons.

today has been a pretty rough day.

i was joking around about transferring to a state school with julia today, but now it's starting to really become a possibility. so i'm going to to write out the pros and cons.

pros for loyola:

-already got through one year

-love the city

-better opportunities after i graduate

-alex goes to depaul

-good study abroad programs

cons for loyola:

-extremely extremely expensive

-hard to tranfer credits

-don't get to take major classes until junior year

-too small

-farther away from home

-not sooo happy right now

pros for state school:

-way cheaper

-close to home

-i'd have a car

-easier to get a job serving or something

-friends would be close by

-better chance being about to transfer out to california senior year

cons for state school:

-possibly less opportunities

-some are too big

-have to start new as a sophmore

i can't really think of anything else right now. even though i have been thinking about this for over 2 hours. instead of studying for a test.

i'm in some major need of prayer.

kittens inspired by kittens.

kittens inspired by kittens

i really love this video so much. some people i have showed didn't laugh, but i cried my eyes out the first time i did because it was so funny! haha.

i gotta get out of here.

I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape
I’ve given up on doing this alone now
Guess I failed and I’m ready to be shown how
You told me the way and now I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
-be my escape


i'm kinda obsessed with that song again. it takes me back to my freshman years. haha.

i don't have a ton of time to update, but i thought right now might be a good time.
this whole time change thing is really screwing me up, i'm going to be so tired tomorrow.

so i just got back a few hours ago from being at home for spring break. all around, spring break was AMAZING. i don't think i've been so happy in while. i just feel so blessed to be surrounded my so many amazing friends who i know honestly care about me. it's weird that usually everyone grows apart from their friends when they move away, but we've all just gotten so much closer. and i've made so many new friends. 

a few things that sucked over break:
-i got a phone call at 8 in the morning one day saying that i don't have a job anymore. the school cancelled my work study for some long reason and now the place i work is having a hard time finding the money to pay me. 
-i got my first speeding ticket. i went on a road trip up to cedar falls to visit katlynne. it was a perfect drive there. i loooovee road trips so much. so when i got there, we decided to just head back because there wasn't anything to do. well, i was speeding. i was going 80 in a 70. i also didn't have the insurance or registration in the car, b.c. my sister took it out. but  i just got a warning for that (it would have been $350), but i got a $100 speeding ticket.
-i missed church this morning. i turned off my alarm without realizing it. i really don't even remember it going off. i was soo mad. 

so now that i am back, it just feels so weird. i had a really long talk with my roommate. both of us just aren't as happy here anymore, and we don't really know why. i feel so distant from my friends, and honestly i just kinda want new ones. most of my friends went to canada for spring break (which i was planning on going, but backed out), literally all the stories i have heard were i was SOO drunk/high and did blah blah blah. it was honestly just annoying. i haven't drank in over 4 weeks, which might not sound like a long time, but there have been many oppertunities that i have turned down. i guess thats the reason for most of this stuff honestly. idk. i know that i'm supposed to be here, i just think that since i'm not liking it, that i'm trying to make myself thing that God is saying to leave, but i know it's not true. 

thankfully, i only have 8 more weeks left. i'm praying that next year will be different. maybe summer will help open up my eyes on why i was so ready to leave in the first place. i feel like i sound all sad and depressed, but i'm really not. haha. just very confused.

this is much longer than i planned. i'm sorry if you read it all:)

but we both know that i'm not that strong<3.

katlynne.
Jan 29, 2009
1 comment

okayyyyyyyy. update!

so atleast once a week i come to this page and start typing.. but then i decide i dont wanna do it. maybe ill try to actually post this one. lol.

okay. cant do it. but i will post lyrics that are pretty much the story of my life right now. and i bet you wouldnt guess why. you might think you're right, but its doubtful.

Miserable At Best, Mayday Parade.

Katie, don't cry, I know
You're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we shared
Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

Ladada ladada ladadaoh ohhh

And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you
And I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable
And I can live without you
Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best

...so ive been thinking a lot lately about 2008. all i can really think of is my biggest regret and its REALLY bothering me. ill get over it. i have to. it just kinda sucks right now.

i wanna go home.

struggles.

Mackenzie
Jan 25, 2009
1 comment

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Hebrews 12:2.

"The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armor of right living." Hebrews 13:12

I just opened up my Bible and prayer journal for the first time in over 3 months. I've honestly never felt so much guilt in a really long time. This weekend hit me really hard. I'm going to be extremely honest which makes me really nervous, but i feel like in order to start fresh, i need to open up and let it all out even if no sees this. This saturday was the first saturday i've been sober at school for a long time. My drinking has gotten out of hand. At first i didn't care and was just having fun and laughing it off. I blacked out three nights in a row last weekend. Looking back and realizing what i've been doing has made me embarrassed. I look at my friends here, and realize I never want to become that. I don't want drinking to be a big part of my life. I don't ever want to start having random hook ups and laughing about it the next day. That was never me and I don't want turn into that.

When i first came here, I had no problem not drinking because I was so alone. I really only had God in my life. I was stronger in my faith than I think i ever have been. But once i started making friends, I pushed Him farther and farther away. I don't want to blame it on peer pressure because it's not true. I made the decision to start drinking. My friends have never pressured me, but it's hard to be the only one to go out sober.

I started going to a church and a small group when i first moved here. I started skipping Sundays because i was always so tired or had stuff to do, which is no excuse. With my small group, i felt so pushed away from a group than I ever have. At some party, a girl from my small group saw me there,and then next week i couldn't make it to the group because of work, and ever since then, i have felt so judged and unwanted. it hurts that instead of giving me more support, they all just stopped including me in things.

It's been really hard staying strong here without people here to help me. I know i need to grow up and be able to take care of myself, but when im surrounded by people who don't understand or keep me accountable, it gets tough. Back home i have friends who know me and would call me out for what i am doing. Here, it's the normal thing to do. I really don't even know what i am saying anymore. I've been so happy the past few months, but now that i'm looking back, there's always been something missing. I'm not the same person. I'm not happy with the decisions i'm making even when i act like i am. Going home has been tough because i go to church or pine street and see people who i know would be disappointed in me. I feel like they know and it hurts me. I wanted so badly to not become this when i went off to school. I've seen to many friends fall away and never return. I have too many friends who have put partying at their main priority. I guess I'm just happy that I'm catching myself before I fall too hard. I just feel like a disappointment to so many people and myself. Everyone just keeps telling me, It's college. It's so normal. You're allowed to drink occasionally. But I guess for me, it's become more. I know that those aren't excuses.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. II'm very determined to change my behaviors. But i can't just stop hanging out with my friends. I feel so blessed to have found good friends here who i know love me. I know they would love me even if i don't drink. it's more of a battle inside of myself. I needed to put this out here because I'm hoping it will make me more aware of people knowing so I can't just hid it. I need to change. It's going to be hard. I just don't want people for judge me.

I prayed a lot today and for the first time in a long while, i felt God. It felt like i just reconnected with an old friend.

It's way past my bed time. I'm sick and took medicine forever ago and it's definitely making me tired.

first week back!

Mackenzie
Jan 14, 2009
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i'm finally back in chicago, and loving it (except the FREEZING weather.) sometimes i wonder why i chose to go to a school in the midwest. california is sounding really nice right now!

i've started all my classes this week and i'm surprised to say i'm actually kind of excited. i'm taking a sociology class, which is kind of interesting. i don't really know where the class is going, but so far it's been pretty interesting. logic is probably the class i'm most nervous about. i'm not so good with the philosophy thinking, but i have friends in the class to help. i have to take a writing class which is just an expansion on the class i took last semester. the teacher is hilarious and i two of my really good friends in there with me. finally, the class i'm most excited for is New Testament. everyone kept telling me i was crazy for taking it, but it really seemed interesting. i love the teacher, she's so sweet and really willing to help out. it's basically just learning what the context is saying based on the time the books were written and giving the background.

it's been so nice being back with all of my friends! last semester was basically just trying to find your group of friends, so now that i've figured that all out, we can just hang out!! we've (actually just me) have been planning our spring break trip! they all decided to make our trip change from miami to toronto! don't ask me why. i don't snowboard, but apparently i'm going to need to learn cause thats the reason for our trip. they're crazy. but it will still be fun to all be together!

overall i'm in a really good mood and having a great week! i miss people from home, but haven't had much time to think about it!

tonsils.

Mackenzie
Dec 24, 2008
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so, if i thought i was having a crappy break before, i take it back. on friday i got my tonsils taken out and my septum straightned. everything about friday gives me nightmares. going into the surgery was soo scary. coming out was even worse. the anestsia sucked. i couldn't stop shaking for hours, i felt so sick, and was in a ton of pain. even with all the morphine and liquid pain medicine, i was miserable. when i got home, it didn't get better. i couldn't even sit up in bed. i tried to eat ice cream, but after taking my medicine, i got sick. i couldn't keep the medicine or food down for the first two days. so, we decided to just stop taking it because clearly it was too strong for my stomach. i've just been taking advil now. on monday i thought i was finally getting better. i was able to talk and eat, but its just gone down hill. i haven't been able to sleep. it's currently 5:40 and i've been up for over an hour. i havent eaten anything in over 24 hours. its horrible. christmas is my favorite holiday, and i don't even want to be a part of any of my family stuff cause i just want to lay in bed. i don't know how much longer i have until i feel semi better, but i'm hoping its soon. pray for me!

sorry for the complaining, but if you've had them out, you know how it feels.

merry "almost" christmas.

ohhh davenport.

Mackenzie
Dec 14, 2008
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well, i'm back in davenport for a month.

i was sooo excited to come home, and it is nice to be home in my own room with my family, but i really would rather just be in chicago. i feel like i was finally getting to a point where i just didn't care anymore. i've grown up and changed so much as a person, but i feel like being back here has made me go back to who i was.

honestly, for the past few months, i've been the happiest i ever have been. not just because i've met people, but for once i feel like i have more control of who i am and how people perceive me. here, everyone knows who i am, who my friends are, and what i do. but starting fresh and defining myself differently has been life changing. lately, the little things have been getting to me and just making me upset. i'm really just not as happy. i'm remembering more and more why i wanted to leave here so much. i love my friends here, but it's not enough anymore.

sorry doug! not as positive as usual. haha.

i know everything will work out. i know God is in control. i know that He has placed me where i am supposed to be. maybe this is all happening for a reason.

"i believe everything happens for a reason. people change so that you can learn to let go. things go wrong so you that you can appreciate them when they're right. you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, things fall apart, so better things can fall together."
-marylin monroe

heyyy! an update!

katlynne.
Dec 10, 2008
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yyyeah. so i havent been on here in over a month. i've thought about it. butttt i just havent done it.

you dont really wanna know what goes on in my life. its not very exciting. haha. right now i'm just getting ready for finals. i'm doing this right now because i cant think of any other ways to procrastinate.

i'll put my to-do list on here. its everything i need to get done before i go home for christmas break...which i am super stoked for by the way!

ooohkay.

~~annotative bibliography~~
~~field report~~
~~reading journals~~
~~writing center consultation~~ (only done because i couoldnt get an appointment) haha.
~~book report on memory keepers daughter.~~
~~portfolio~~
~~cover letter~~
~~return library books~~
~~return mary's books~~
~~read 17.5 protein synthesis~~
~~homework on masteringchem.com~~
~~psych notecards~~
~~lecture questions~~
~~asia map~~
~~sell textbooks~~
~~go to bookstore and buy sweatshirts~~
~~call applebees and get on schedule~~
~~buy semi-finals fbgame ticket..~~ GO PANTHERS!! =]